Once upon a time, on the island kingdom of Cyprus, there lived a King and Queen who longed for a child of their own. They tried forming pacts with witches and demons, consulted with goblins and tricksters for the most potent potions, and even sought out the aid of certified medical professionals, but nothing seemed to work.

The years went by, and the King and Queen thought all their efforts would be in vain, but then one day a miracle happened: the Queen found herself with child! The King was overjoyed, and exactly nine months later, the Queen gave birth to a beautiful baby girl! She was a strong and healthy baby, with bright blue eyes and curly red hair. She was also prone to fits of mischief, and so her parents named her Quirky.

Unfortunately, both the King and Queen were quite old when they finally managed to have a child, and so they ended up dying of old age while Princess Quirky was still only a teenager.

As the sole heir of the royal pair, it was Princess Quirky's duty to take up her parents' throne. But Cyprus law dictated that in order for a member of the Royal Family to take the throne, they must first be wed!

Princess Quirky, who was still yet young, didn't exactly know what to look for in a suitor (aside from the fact that they had to be good looking, obviously), so she decided to organize a tournament so that all the eligible suitors could perform for her enjoyment. Watching hot people engage in various feats of prowess seemed like the sensible thing to do in this kind of situation.

And so the notice went out across the land, and a veritable army of beautiful young adults came to test their strength against one another in a bid to win the hand of their fair princess.

There were powerfully built warriors skilled with the broadsword and shield, nimble rogues who could wield a rapier faster than the eye could see, clever tacticians who could out-think their opponents no matter what situation they were thrown into, and of course beautiful models with perfectly sculpted bodies and faces that looked as if they had been crafted by a master artisan. Knights, wizards, rogues and royals came from far and wide for a chance at being chosen.

And yet while all of these people were collectively appealing, Princess Quirky had yet to find one that truly caught her eye.

At last the final day of the tournament came, and all the various winners were led to the throne room so they could be presented with their awards (and to hopefully be chosen by the Princess to be her consort).

But as they passed her gaze, Princess Quirky managed to find fault with every single one: too young or too old, too tall or too short, too slim or too fat, too smart or too dumb, too magical or not magical enough.

Her advisers soon began to fear that no one would be able to meet their Princess' specifications, and this could lead to all sorts of trouble if the Princess' varied relatives with tenuous claim to the throne tried to make a push to usurp the young monarch.

But the advisers (not to mention everyone else) were startled from their thoughts when the doors to the throne room were suddenly forced open, and in walked a tall stranger, with sandy blond hair and grey eyes, and wearing a tabard emblazoned with a coat of arms that none of the invited guests recognized.

The guards rushed the man, swords drawn, but the stranger was completely unfazed by their show of force.

"What is the meaning of this!?" The head of the guard demanded of the man, "One simply does not barge into the throne room unannounced or uninvited!"

"I was invited," the stranger replied calmly, pulling out one of the fliers that had been sent out to announce the tournament, "I'm here to become the Princess' consort."

The guards and guests all began to laugh at that proclamation. A stranger, one who hadn't even partaken in the tournament, would claim so confidently that he would be chosen above all others to be the Princess' consort? The hilarity of it was too much for them to bear!

"Enough!" Princess Quirky suddenly called out. Those gathered immediately fell silent as the Princess beckoned to the guards to bring the stranger to her for inspection. With many glares and sword pokings, the guards ushered the man forward.

"Tell me, good sir," Princess Quirky asked once the man was close enough, "What is your name?"

Giving a shrug, the man replied, "I don't really have a name so much as titles, but I have so many of those we'd be here all day if I listed them."

There was a story behind that, Princess Quirky was sure, but she had a more pressing question to ask.

"And what is it that you think sets you apart from these fine people," the Princess said, gesturing at all the other suitors gathered in the throne room, "That would make me choose you over them to be my consort?"

"I have an ability that they all lack." The stranger said with a shrug.

He was ever the man of mystery, it seemed. Tilting her head to one side, Princess Quirky asked, "And what, pray tell, might this ability be?"

The stranger glanced around at all the people staring at him, frowned a bit, and then shrugged as if to say, "Well, I guess it can't be helped," before turning his gaze on the Princess.

Those gathered in the throne room flew into a panic when Princess Quirky let out an unexpected shout and slumped down in her throne as if she had been shot through with a powerful electric current. The guards forced the stranger to the ground while Princess Quirky's attendants rushed up to aid their sovereign.

"I am fine, it's alright!" Princess Quirky insisted as her attendants helped her upright. She was breathing heavily, as if she had just finished a race, and blushing so ferociously that her freckles had all but vanished.

"Your highness!" The captain of the guard shouted, "Shall we have this cur executed?"

"NO!" Princess Quirky yelled, leaping from her seat. Seeing the odd looks the people were giving her, Princess Quirky smoothed her dress and sat demurely back in her throne.

"No," she repeated in a more ladylike manner, "Take this man to a guest room and send for a tailor. The man who is to be my consort will need an uniform fitting of royalty."

The crowd broke into an excited babble as the strange man was led away and the Princess retired to her private quarters.

The competitors of the tournament were outraged; How was it fair that after all they had gone through, some upstart who shows up at the last minute ends up being chosen as the Princess' consort?

The people of the court, however, were captivated by the strangers' good looks and mysterious demeanour.

And the government officials were worried that whatever the stranger did to make the Princess act so oddly had somehow altered her judgement. Perhaps what they had witnessed was the man placing their Princess under his thrall so that he could take control of their land!

And as the day for the royal wedding drew near, their fears grew and grew, so they decided to take action, and an assassination attempt was quickly formulated. The best assassin in the land was summoned, arriving the day before the wedding was to take place. The plan was hastily explained to him (he was to sneak into the stranger's room, kill him with as little bloodshed as possible, and then discreetly dispose of the man's body, while leaving behind a note that said that the stranger could not go through with the marriage), and the assassin set to work that very night.

Unfortunately for him, the stranger proved to be just as strong, fast, and intelligent as the competitors of the tournament, and he managed to subdue the assassin.

And to add insult to injury, the stranger stripped the assassin of all his belongings, rolled him out the window and into the bushes, then poured an entire bottle of alcohol on him. The assassin was arrested several hours later and imprisoned on the charges of public drunkenness and indecency. He quickly became his cellmates' favourite new plaything.

At last, the day of the wedding arrived, and it seemed as though the entire country had turned out to see the extravaganza!

The Princess arrived in a resplendent dress of white and violet, while her nameless suitor came dressed in armour of gold and imperial purple.

The weather was wonderful, the service was spectacular, and the whole celebration was proclaimed a perfect event, something the people would talk about for years to come!

And the fears of the government officials were soon laid to rest, as the new Queen's consort showed absolutely no interest in taking the rule of the kingdom away from his bride.

Thus the people of the island of Cyprus lived happily under the rule of their Queen, and the memory of Quirky's strange collapse faded from memory. As time passed, the people grew to trust the Queen's nameless consort, who they collectively dubbed, "Quirky's Lover".

As to the cause of Queen Quirky's mysterious spell, only the Queen and her Lover knew the cause for it. After all, it's hard to forget the fact that your consort can give you amazing and spontaneous orgasms at just a glance when he gives them to you every single night!

The End